We want community, but we’re overwhelmed by Whatsapp groups we leave on mute, what’s going on here?

This is actually a subject that’s come up in our own Find A Creative Mind community chat this week, but it’s also something I’ve been wanting to speak about for a while. The fact is, I do think this is a tough conversation, and it can feel a bit touchy for some people to talk about, but it also touches on some of the key values of what I created here - bringing people together and looking at the difficulties of digital overwhelm.

I find myself thinking a lot about how difficult it can feel to build communities nowadays, and to be honest I also often find myself craving the days of calling friends on landlines to chat about life, or meeting in the pub after work without needing a whatsapp group to arrange it. That felt so stress free and seemed to flow easily, but nowadays keeping up with friends can feel like another task on the to do list we need to tick off.

This feels like another anomaly of the digital age, because despite all the ways we can stay in touch, there’s also so much more to navigate in terms of seeing friends than there used to be.

First there’s the fact that everyone has so many channels of communication to keep up with, even outside of their work: emails, whatsapps, texts, social media channels. We’re all communicating so much, all the time, with so many different people.

At the same time, we’re used to passively consuming, rather than having conversations (possibly because we’re so tired of communicating). Scrolling on endless feeds without really engaging with what we see, never commenting or messaging the people we follow. This can seem like we’re connecting with others, because we’re getting a glimpse into their lives, but in fact we’re just watching, and watching like this can cause isolation, rather than alleviate it.

I noticed this starting to happen in our group, more people only watching, not engaging, and many of the group leaving all the messages left unread, so I decided to ask the question to everyone, were they noticing this too, and if so, why was it happening? I also gave the option to leave the group, no questions asked, if you didn’t feel you wanted to be involved anymore. However the response has shown something different, and often it was nothing to do with not wanting to be a part of the community, in fact the majority have stayed.

There’s something that’s not talked about, let’s call it the etiquette of how to manage your social life in the digital sense so that you don’t reach this state of overwhelm, and I wonder if it’s something we’re just not sure how to navigate.

I have absolutely felt this myself, and yes, I do have several conversations archived, mostly work related that can wait 48 hours. But in terms of what I choose to make a part of my life, and what communities I want to be a part of, I suppose I treat this as I treat a lot of things in my life, there has to be space for what’s being added. If there’s no space, I have to find some space, or I have to say no. Of course this can’t always work, but let’s say it’s a general rule. For this reason, I have no issue leaving groups that I no longer want to be a part of, deleting accounts, unfollowing etc. I’m only a part of groups I want to contribute to, and have time for. If there’s too much for me to manage, I cull everything I don’t have the space for, politely letting the person know why I’m leaving. This feels totally ok to me, but I don’t think this feels like an option for a lot of people.

There seems to be some unspoken rule that it’s rude to leave a group someone added you to, or there’s a pressure to have to explain why you want to leave that feels uncomfortable, so instead, you leave it on mute, and never look at it again.

If this is true, either we’re too overwhelmed by communicating so much to communicate, so we just watch what everyone is doing, no energy to engage, or we’re trying to be a part of everything, too polite to say no or leave, so we’re ultimately not really invested in anything. Neither of these creates community.

The reality is, being a part of a community requires effort, and participation. It means that sometimes you will have to show up for others when you don’t really want to. It means sharing and supporting, but also receiving the same in return a.k.a. reciprocity.

In the conversations in our community this week, everyone shared different needs and perspectives, we discussed what community should feel like, and how it can continue to grow. What became very clear, is that none of us what our whatsapp group to become another feed, where we’re all just watching and passively consuming, on that we were all united. We’ve agreed that the group should feel reciprocal and supportive, but also realistic. No one can show up daily, or keep up with a chat when they’re busy, but we can engage and be present when we have the space.

And just one final comment on community in the digital age. It is harder to keep up, and I think it’s so important to realise what is really connecting you to others, what’s making you feel a part of something, and what makes you feel more isolated and alone.

But as a 90s kid, I still think we can bring back some of what felt so free and easy back then. I might be far too optimistic here, but here are some nostalgic ways to connect that we could bring back:

• Texting a friend on the off chance they can meet for a coffee right then rather than planning it weeks in advance

• Calling your friend, no purpose, just for a chat to see what they’re up to

• Getting together to do something pointless, fun and offline, wasting time together is totally underrated

• Printing and posting actual invites to your next bday or party

For more inspiration and conversations like this, sign up to my monthly newsletter below.

If you’re interested in exploring more ways to help with the digital overwhelm, I also work with clients 121 on this subject.
Learn more here on my creative counselling here

Keeping up with friends in the 90s was so much easier!