I've Spent My Life Being Creative. But I've Never Let Myself Be an Artist
I've always wanted to be an artist, but I've had to be honest with myself recently, and admit that I never really tried.
I'm left wondering why. Because in almost every other aspect of my life I've been happy to take risks - emotional, financial and practical risks - to make my dreams happen. But when it comes to this, something I've wanted my whole life, I haven't.
I live my life with a creative mindset, I'll see something and think "I'd love to paint that", I'm curious about the world around me, and I will happily play around with painting and drawing, but I've never taken it seriously, I've never dedicated the real time and effort it takes to discover who you are as an artist. And I feel sad about this.
There must be some element of fear holding me back, but this isn't something I consciously feel. If I think logically about it, there was the teacher I had at college that told me 'you're not an artist', there was the message you get from society that an artist won't be financially stable, but there's also the fact that this feels far more vulnerable than any of those other dreams, it feels like a failure would make me question some aspect of my identity? (I put the question mark there as this is still a question.)
For a long while, being a designer satisfied the part of me that craved the freedom and expression of being an artist, but over the last few years it started to feel more about marketing myself, commercialism and productivity.
Recently the desire to be sat in my own studio, surrounded by canvases and covered in paints, it feels stronger than ever, maybe it's getting older, but I think something else is happening too.
I think I'm beginning to realise how the very fact that this feels vulnerable and scary, means there's something very important there for me to explore. Something that goes beyond what medium I use, and what subject I choose to paint. Maybe it's the newly trained counsellor in me, but I feel like it's time I went there, and spent time discovering who I am as an artist.
There's something else going on too. I feel drained by the efforts I've been making for social media, And I need to acknowledge it.
I've been mostly trying to create content for an algorithm I'll never understand, because I'm starting out with a new business (also scary). Sometimes I find myself feeling, for want of a better word, icky. Talking to camera, sharing so much, it really doesn't feel like the real me. I've had a post go viral on Linkedin, that felt sort of terrifying. I post things that get no likes, and that doesn't bother me. What I do find hard is reaching out to people and getting nothing back, no real connection, no willingness to have a conversation. I don't know what we're here for if it isn't that?
I've been reminded again recently that I'm not a business woman, I'm not a marketeer, I'm def not a content creator, and the more I try at those things the more I feel like I'm trying to be something I'm not. And I don't want to be constantly complaining about algorithms and the annoyances of this platform, that feels like a real waste of energy I can put elsewhere...
So if you are following me (if you're still with me!) I've decided I'm just going to share this new journey with you all here. My journey to becoming an artist. I'm sure it'll messy and make little sense, and the algorithm will probably hate it, but even if it creates a few connections with people that'll feel far more meaningful for me. Plus, I have decided to do this without any online course, without following reels or copying anyone else, I’m going to explore everything for myself, and see what happens.
If you're resonating with all of this, if you're sitting there thinking "I've always wanted to be an artist too" then I'd love to hear from you, maybe we can go on this journey together!
I saw a quote recently that said we spend most of our lives going back to who we were as a child, and this really strikes me as being true, especially where this is concerned. I think as a child I was more of an artist than ever, and perhaps I was also much more myself too.