When the way you've always lived and worked no longer feels right
I'm Amy, a professional creative, person-centred counsellor and, when I find the time, amateur artist. I've always been fascinated by identity, creativity and human behaviour, and these interests have shaped both my working life and the way I approach counselling.
I'm now 44, and looking back, I can see that I started experiencing symptoms of perimenopause around four years ago, although at the time I had absolutely no idea what was happening. I just knew I felt different. I wasn't sleeping properly, my body was changing and my emotions felt unfamiliar, but when I initially sought help, I was told I was too young for it to be menopause.
It took several appointments before I was finally offered HRT, and even then I was hesitant about taking medication. I'd always looked after myself, exercised regularly and rarely experienced health problems, so accepting that my body was changing in ways I couldn't necessarily control was difficult. What I hadn't anticipated was how much the emotional side of menopause would affect my sense of identity, particularly as someone who had spent years working independently and priding myself on being capable, adaptable and able to handle whatever life threw at me.
I've worked for myself for over 10 years, often running different projects at once, working with multiple clients, constantly stepping into new relationships and adapting to different people's expectations. It's never been easy, but for a long time I felt able to manage it, and the freedom and flexibility of freelancing were things I valued enormously. As I moved further into perimenopause, though, things began to feel very different. I didn't have the same resilience or capacity for uncertainty that I once did, financial risks felt heavier, and the constant changes and lack of boundaries in freelance work became increasingly difficult to manage. I also became much more aware of how dysregulated I'd been feeling and how much of an impact years of working this way had had on my mental health.
The freedom I once valued so highly gradually became less important than stability, consistency and calm, which brought up some uncomfortable questions about who I was if I could no longer be the person who handled everything, and whether the career I'd spent years building was still right for me.
At the same time, I found it increasingly difficult to keep masking, people-pleasing or ignoring my own needs. It was uncomfortable, particularly when those behaviours had been part of how I'd navigated relationships and work for so long, but it also prompted me to question why I'd felt the need to do those things in the first place. Through that process, I began to recognise that my mind had always worked differently, and that there were aspects of myself I'd spent a great deal of time trying to accommodate or conceal.
Rather than seeing menopause as something I simply needed to get through, I've gradually come to understand it as a significant life transition, one that has challenged many of the assumptions I'd made about myself and encouraged me to think much more carefully about how I want to live and work.
Menopause is about more than hormonal changes
There are medical treatments, including HRT, that can make a significant difference to menopausal symptoms, and having access to appropriate healthcare is incredibly important. But menopause can also affect how we feel about ourselves, our relationships, our work and the lives we've built, sometimes in ways that are difficult to recognise or explain while we're in the middle of experiencing them.
Perhaps you've always enjoyed going to the gym or exercising regularly, but now you're struggling with fatigue, disrupted sleep or finding that your body needs a different approach. Maybe you've always had a busy social life, but increasingly find yourself wanting quieter evenings or feeling overwhelmed by situations you once enjoyed. You might also notice that you're less willing to tolerate certain dynamics in your relationships, or that responsibilities you've taken on without question for years are starting to feel too much.
Not everyone experiences these changes, and they aren't all necessarily caused by menopause, but for many women this period of life brings a growing awareness that the way they've been living may no longer be meeting their needs. That can be particularly unsettling if you've spent much of your adult life being the person everyone else depends on, or if your sense of identity has become closely connected to being capable, productive and available to others.
When did you last think about what you actually need?
By the time we reach our forties or fifties, many of us have spent decades responding to other people's needs and expectations. There may have been careers to build, children to raise, relationships to maintain, ageing parents to support and countless practical responsibilities to manage, and somewhere amongst all of that it can become surprisingly easy to lose touch with what we actually enjoy, what matters to us and how we want to spend our time.
We can become so accustomed to being capable, accommodating or responsible that we don't necessarily stop to question whether those roles are still working for us, particularly when they're qualities that other people have come to rely on and value. Menopause can bring some of these questions into much sharper focus, partly because changes in our physical and emotional capacity can make it harder to continue ignoring our own needs. Things we might previously have pushed through become more difficult to dismiss, whether that's exhaustion, anxiety, resentment or simply a growing sense that something needs to change.
I sometimes think of menopause as the body asking us to pay attention to ourselves in a way we may not have done before. That doesn't mean every woman needs to reinvent her life or make dramatic changes, but it might mean recognising that rest, boundaries, pleasure and emotional support aren't things we should only consider once everyone else has been taken care of. For women who have spent years prioritising other people, recognising that their own needs are equally important can be quite a significant shift in itself.
Why counselling can be so valuable during menopause and midlife
One of the things I value most about counselling is that it creates time and space for a person to focus entirely on themselves, which might sound straightforward, but for someone who has spent years putting other people's needs first, having a regular appointment where they don't need to look after anyone else, solve a problem or fulfil a particular role can feel quite unfamiliar.
In person-centred counselling, there isn't an expectation that you arrive with a clear problem to solve or a particular outcome in mind. You can talk about whatever feels important, at your own pace, and begin to explore your experiences with someone who is there to listen, understand and support you without judgement.
During menopause, that might involve talking about changes in your mood, confidence or relationships, or the frustration of feeling that your body and mind aren't responding as they used to. It might mean exploring grief around ageing, changes in fertility, shifts in identity or the loss of a version of yourself you've known for a long time, particularly if you've always felt confident in your ability to manage whatever life throws at you. For other women, counselling becomes an opportunity to question beliefs they've carried for years, such as the idea that they need to be productive to have value, that saying no is selfish, or that being a good partner, parent or colleague means always being available. These beliefs can be so deeply ingrained that we don't necessarily recognise how much they're shaping our lives until something makes them difficult to maintain.
Counselling can't remove every challenge that comes with menopause, and it isn't a replacement for medical support, but it can offer a consistent, confidential relationship in which you have the opportunity to understand yourself more fully, explore what you're experiencing and consider what might need to change.
I also think there's something particularly valuable about having that time protected each week, especially for women who may never have felt entitled to spend an hour talking about themselves without worrying about what somebody else needs from them.
Learning to work with yourself rather than against yourself
There's a lot of advice about what women should be doing during menopause, from exercise and nutrition to sleep, stress management and hormone treatment, and while much of it can be helpful, it can also start to feel like another list of things we're expected to get right.
When you're already exhausted or overwhelmed, being told to exercise more, improve your sleep, reduce stress and prioritise self-care isn't necessarily as straightforward as it sounds, particularly if the things you've always done to look after yourself are becoming more difficult.
If you've always enjoyed high-intensity exercise but no longer feel able to maintain the same routine, perhaps there's an opportunity to explore different ways of moving that feel supportive rather than punishing. If socialising has become more tiring, perhaps you need more time alone, or different kinds of connection, and if your working life is contributing to ongoing stress, it may be worth exploring where you have some choice over your boundaries, commitments or expectations, even when changing your circumstances isn't immediately possible.
I think this is where developing a better understanding of yourself becomes particularly important, because rather than trying to follow every recommendation or return to how you used to function, you can begin to recognise what genuinely supports your wellbeing at this stage of life.
Stress management is an important part of that, although it's not quite as simple as trying to keep cortisol levels permanently low. Stress hormones have important functions, and the relationship between menopause, stress and physical symptoms is complex, but finding ways to support your nervous system, make space for rest and reduce unnecessary pressure can be valuable for your overall health.
For me, part of navigating menopause has involved accepting that I may need different things from my work, my relationships and my daily life than I did ten years ago, and that adapting to those needs doesn't mean I've somehow become less capable.
Rediscovering creativity in midlife
Something else I've noticed through my own experiences, my counselling work and the creative retreats I've run is how many women seem to feel drawn towards creativity in midlife, sometimes returning to something they loved when they were younger but haven't made time for in decades, and sometimes discovering an interest in making, drawing, painting, writing, gardening or working with their hands for the first time.
What's interesting to me is that this often seems to be less about becoming particularly skilled at something and more about wanting an experience that belongs entirely to them. After years of working, caring for others and managing responsibilities, there can be something incredibly satisfying about making something simply because you want to, without needing it to serve a practical purpose or meet anybody else's expectations.
Creative activities can also offer psychological benefits, with research into arts engagement and wellbeing suggesting that creative participation can support emotional expression, mood and feelings of connection. Activities that absorb our attention may help us experience a sense of flow, where we're engaged in what we're doing rather than constantly thinking about everything else that needs our attention, while the repetitive or tactile nature of making things can feel calming and grounding for some people.
I think this is particularly interesting during menopause, when the usual ways we've managed stress or looked after ourselves may no longer feel quite as accessible. Creativity doesn't have to be physically demanding, competitive or focused on achievement, and it can offer a slower, gentler way of engaging with something that feels enjoyable and meaningful.
Of course, not everyone finds creative activities relaxing, and there isn't one particular activity that works for everybody, but that's part of what I find valuable about exploring creativity. It gives us an opportunity to discover what feels nourishing, absorbing or enjoyable to us as individuals, rather than approaching wellbeing as another thing we need to perform successfully.
Bringing creativity into counselling
My approach to counselling is person-centred, which means the relationship, your experiences and what you choose to bring to sessions are always at the heart of the work. Alongside talking therapy, I also offer the option to explore creativity where it feels appropriate and helpful, although this isn't art therapy and there's no expectation that you need to consider yourself a creative person or have any particular skills.
For some people, talking is exactly what they need, while for others creative exploration can offer another way of expressing something that's difficult to put into words, reflecting on their experiences or reconnecting with parts of themselves that have been overlooked.
I think this can be especially valuable during midlife, when questions around identity, change and personal fulfilment often become more prominent, and when there may be a growing desire to explore interests or parts of ourselves that haven't had much attention for a long time.
Menopause can be challenging, but it can also be a turning point
Training and working as a counsellor has been an important part of my own experience of midlife. I didn't initially set out to change careers, but as I began to understand more about myself and what I needed, I could see that the structure, boundaries and sense of purpose I found in counselling suited me in ways that my previous working life increasingly didn't.
That hasn't made the transition straightforward, and letting go of an identity built over many years has brought uncertainty, grief and a lot of self-questioning, particularly when I've had to reconsider qualities that I previously saw as strengths.
Not everyone has the freedom or circumstances to make significant changes to their career, relationships or responsibilities, and menopause certainly doesn't have to become a story of personal transformation. But I do think it can create an opportunity to become more aware of ourselves, question expectations we've lived with for years and consider what we want the next part of our lives to look like.
For many women, that process may begin with something they've rarely allowed themselves before: having time to think about themselves, talk about what they're experiencing and recognise that their own needs matter just as much as everybody else's.
It's one of the reasons I believe counselling can be such a valuable form of support during menopause and midlife, not because it provides all the answers, but because it offers the opportunity to explore those questions in a way that feels genuinely personal to you.
Counselling for menopause and midlife
I'm a person-centred counsellor offering one-to-one counselling for people navigating menopause, burnout, identity, relationships and life transitions, with the option to explore creativity alongside talking therapy. I work online and in person in Manchester and Sandbach, Cheshire. If you'd like to find out more about my approach and how counselling might support you during menopause, you can read more here: